Hey Neji
by Shimegami
Summary: *one-shot, shounen ai* A short humor ficlet about a pairing I adore, yet would never see the light of day. XD Involves alcohol-induced dares, swear words, and bad puns on Neji's name.


Hey Neji... By: Shimegami Warnings: Shounen ai, Shikamaru being a badmouth Disclaimer: not mine. Don't sue. AN: This pairing is one of my favorites, despite being totally unfathomable and unlikely. I just think they would mesh well, for some reason. What pairing, you ask? Read on to find out!  
  
Hey Neji...  
  
I am going to kill Naruto. Slowly, painfully, with plenty of torture and sharp pointy objects in new and inventive places.  
  
That resolve decided, now...what the hell am I going to do about this?  
  
Naruto's watching me, I know it, to make sure I go with this. Stupid dare. Stupid alcohol. Stupid blonde psychopath who surely wants me to get myself killed. First he pushes me into the chuunin exam match, and now this...  
  
Earlier resolve modified: toture, pointy objects, and total public humiliation will be in order.  
  
I continue my death march, trying to appear like I normally do. It's either this, or the entire village discovers just who "accidently" knocked down the key support for a new house...  
  
Dammit, it *was* an accident. I was half asleep anyway....they shouldn't put strange objects in my path when it's 5:30 in the morning!  
  
Stupid support beam. Stupid dare. Stupid Naruto.  
  
I see my doom now, and oh why does it have to be in public?? He's with his teammates too, that's going to make things interesting...for Naruto. It makes it hell for me. I really really wish I hadn't had any alcohol, or had at least enough to blame it for this. As it is, there's no way I'm drunk enough to pass off not knowing what I'm doing, and he's going to notice it too...  
  
Oh man, why can't all my problems just...drop dead? It'd be so much easier. It's times like these that make me remember why I want to be a cloud.  
  
This outfit is not helping. Why was I wearing it anyway? Oh yeah. Stupid dare. For a dare, it's really quite involved. Well, that's Naruto for you. Stupid leather. Stupid buckles. I don't mind the fishnet really, but it's the whole "male slut" feeling that's grating on my nerves.  
  
Oh, I'm here. Now I'm going to die. This might be more dramatic if I can summon up the will to feel anything other than resentment. Stupid Naruto.  
  
There he stands, in all of his pessimistic bastard glory. Stupid glass- half-empty person. Go and die somewhere peacefully, so I don't have to do this.  
  
I'm standing in front of him as if I want something (No! I don't want it! I want to leave!), and so logically he stands as well, apparently waiting for me to get on with it. Man, I really hate arrogance.  
  
Naruto's still watching me, and now the two teammates are looking at me expectantly as well. Why is it only my life that has events like these? I'd like for someone to get Naruto plastered and then have him confess his undying love for the Uchiha guy. In front of the entirety of Konohagakure. Just like I'm about to do.  
  
Not that it's undying love...he's just attractive, all right? So I like the pessimistic bastards....and I'm putting this off, he's starting to look even more pissed.  
  
So, I start.  
  
Shoving all my self-dignity into a small hole with my motivation (Damn, that's a small hole), I put a (hopefully) sexy smirk on my face, and trying to keep a straight face and not keel over dead from embarrasment, I hold up a screw and say...  
  
"Hey, Neji....wanna screw?"  
  
If I were in a different position, say, Naruto's, then I would consider the expression on his face to be pricelessly hilarious, and obviously my assumption is correct, if the whooping guffaws from Naruto's position are telling me anything. This so sucks. Naruto sucks.  
  
His teammates are the first to react. Tenten falls to the ground in hysterics. Apparently she and Naruto share the same opinion about this situation. Well, you suck too. You can go to hell with Naruto.  
  
Lee looks torn between scandalized shock, and joining Tenten in her little show of amusement. Well, I'm glad I'm so amusing to at least two people. My gaze turns back to my doom, the one the words were directed to, and the one I harbored a tiny unacknowledged crush on.  
  
He's....not doing anything. Maybe he's in shock. Or maybe he's thinking about the various ways to kill me. He's just staring at me. Damn creepy Hyuuga eyes. Why couldn't they be a nice color, like...blue?  
  
He's still staring, and his lack of reaction is starting to seriously creep me. Abandoning all pretexts of sexiness or actually wanting to be there, I turn and flee for my life.  
  
------Later (Wow, I'm descriptive)------  
  
I'm still hiding from the population, and will continue to do so for as long as I can manage. I think I'll live the rest of my life as a secluded hermit. Wait, no, they're shinobi, they'll be able to find me. Damn.  
  
I sigh and lean back against the tree I'm hiding in. Gah. I became a shinobi so that my life would be fun. It's just turned out to be troublesome and annoying. I wish I could just fall alseep and not have to get up, ever. That'd be so cool. So I didn't have to worry about dares and chuunin exams and damn creepy Hyuuga eyes staring at me from across the branch...  
  
GAH!  
  
There he is, squatting on a branch near to mine, just staring at me. I wonder briefly how he found me so quickly, it's only been five minutes since my unglorious saving-my-ass retreat, and most of that was spent getting here, but I see the fading of the pronouced veins around his eyes.  
  
Oh, right, silly me. Of course hiding yourself in foliage won't work when the one chasing you can just see right through it. Special abilities can go to hell with Naruto and Tenten.  
  
He's just *watching* me again. What is with him and staring at me? I know what I did was stupid and utterly and amazingly not cool, but he doesn't have to *stare* at me.  
  
"Are you going to do something, or sit there and gape at me all day?" I know it's a stupid thing to sya the moment it leaves my mouth, but anymore staring and creepy eyes and I'll go crazy.  
  
He blinks, apparently not expecting that. Something shifts in his expression, and I suddenly wish he was staring again. Well, staring differently. Staring at me like I'm a complete idiot is okay, as I just acted like one, but staring at me like...like I'm a damn bar of chocolate is not acceptable!  
  
"About your offer..." His quiet, intense voice gives me creepy-crawlies, and I can tell he's deliberately talking slowly, just to affect me. Bastard.  
  
He moves suddenly, so fast my eyes barely track him. He's beside me now, and as this isn't the biggest of branches, he's close. Very close. Personal space, what's that?  
  
His eyes bore into mine, and I find myself noticing the tiny grey streaks that give them the faintest color, the only things that distinguish from iris and blank white space. They're kind of pretty, if they weren't so creepy.  
  
He's too close, far too close. His breath just barely gusts along my cheek, and I really want to be anywhere but here. He's really too close, and I don't like him really, he's just too attractive for his own good, like the Uchiha. Guys that pretty shouldn't exist.  
  
He's still looking straight into my eyes (well, I think he is, it's slightly hard to tell when there's no pupil to give you direction), as if he's looking for something. He really is attractive, just too close for comfort now.  
  
Suddenly, he smirks, as if he's found something in my eyes he liked.  
  
"I think I'll take you up on that." He finishes his previous sentence, plucks the not-so-forgotten screw out of my pocket, and suddenly whisks himself away, leaving me alone, speechless, and suddenly slightly chilly.  
  
....Bastard.  
  
But still, as I resign myself to my fate and start to head back to the village, he took it...right? What does that mean?  
  
I'm suddenly rather happy as I jump from tree to tree, wind rushing against my body.  
  
Ah, maybe my little crush isn't so unacknowlegded after all, eh?  
  
~Owari~  
  
AN: Whee...pointless. And totally weird pairing. Ah well, I like it. Shikamaru is sooo cool XD. That's right, this was NejiShika! ^^;  
  
I made a neji shrine! Go go! Anything you want to submit would be much appreciated, as well. ^.~ (hint hint) 


End file.
